i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
