you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize