you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
