You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
