Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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