Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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