my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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