I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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