I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize