i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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