she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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