matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
