I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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