I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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