i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
