then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize