I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
