Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
