I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
