ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize