i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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