I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
