We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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