Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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