Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
