I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
