Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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