I must be too annoying 4 u.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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