My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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