if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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