you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
