So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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