Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
