I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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