martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
