Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize