So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
