dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We're too hungover to prance.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
