Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
