You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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