I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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