Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
