You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
These tits shall not be calmed
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You ruined the universe
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
