Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
