Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
