dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
