Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
