Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
