I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
