tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize