you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
