i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
