he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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