I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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