dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fuck me I smell like cheese
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
