with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
