He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
