Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
